Early in September the doctors I was turning to for help were sort of treating my condition as though I needed a mental health evaluation, and that I was “just” having panic attacks and anxiety. I had a full body case of unexplainable hives, people, and real physical symptoms. They were doing testing very slowly and acting as though my anxiety was an overreaction. Honestly, out of desperation for help, sometimes it probably did look that way! May I remind everyone that I’d not seen a doctor is 10 years? I obviously have managed my mental and physical health quite well until I knew I couldn’t any more. I was turning to them for HELP and feeling frustrated.

Anyway, it was suggested that I practice “mindfulness.” and go to my “happy places” and imagine myself on a dream vacation and tell myself bedtime stories, to document for my triggers for when anxiety happened. Some “triggers” were when I had that awful cold in September and felt I couldn’t breathe. That’s when I began noticing my “triggers” were that I often could not feel the back of my throat and was choking on saliva. Or I couldn’t feel the lining of the right side of my nose. Or that I’m burning the lining on the right side of my mouth on food, but what? How? Now I know I can’t feel the lining of the inside of the right side of my mouth, for instance, because of the pressure from inflammation of the tumor on my facial nerves. It’s like a permanent state of having a hefty dose of dental novacaine on the entire right side of my face. Or that I was unable to regulate my body temperature and was always way over heated which made shortness of breath worse.

More than once, I was sitting bolt up in bed from a rare sound sleep-think I was only sleeping about an hour or two at a time. That was my trigger. Sleeping. One time I was listening to my pastor’s previous week’s sermon. I was relaxed and suddenly short of breath and in a spin. No warning. No reason. No ability to take a deep breath.

Anyway….I threw the mindfulness apps to the wind b/c they actually frightened me more than they were helping. They made me feel like I was being ignored. I bought the white noise machine that was suggested to help with sleep. I turned everything toward “how do I gain peace.” It’s hard for me to read more than a few minutes. It’s been a struggle to read even a post on FB. It’s a struggle to read a devotion. Listening is a struggle because of the vibration in my ear and head. Sometimes my head feels like it’s been shaken loose just from sound.

And then the bad dreams started. The frightening, these are obviously not from God, and obviously there is an evil piece of warfare going on in my head, my mind, my brain kind of dreams. Ones that I don’t want happening because they strike the deepest fear at the very heart. And note? They are when no one is around. I’m alone. My family is sleeping. It’s dark.

All the “positivity” you see is me combatting that very reality in my life. Interestingly, God has never let me see anything except what I needed for any given moment. I see the verses exactly for the spot I’m in. I see the inspirational devotions by authors at 3 am when I’ve been shaken awake that speak exactly to what has been shaken in my soul and brain.

So now that I’ve set a stage, permit me go back to the suggested mindfulness apps…and bedtime stories that I actually found offensive and ridiculous. Here is what I found instead. I have had this series of music on nearly non stop, sometimes even at night. If I wake up, I see snippets of verses and hymns set to the music. I have no idea who this guy is. I only know that his music is calming my brain when it’s feeling shaken. It’s feeding my heart and my mind and my soul when I feel weak both physically and emotionally. I’ve not had a moment of “mental health anxiety” since I started doing this “method.” I’ve had no more moments of “I can’t breathe.” or overheating body temperature since an actual diagnosis! I have normal periods of grief, coping, laughter which I doubt is the same as “practice your deep breathing” behavior modification techniques the medical people wanted me to use before I had a real diagnosis for real potentially life threatening physical issue. And I’m having fewer scary dreams since the diagnosis.

So if this helps anyone who is worried about the idea of mindfulness in a spiritual realm that is not from God, as I was and did not want to entertain, maybe this link on YouTube will help you too. I’ve been able to listen to other things as well, but these are the calming videos. I have them ready for the hospital recovery.

PS. I am not minimizing mental health issues, and needing this sort of therapy. I know that this a serious issue. It just wasn’t appropriate for me or my faith walk. If this is not where you are, please do listen to your own professionals!

PPS. Over the last 10 years of our knowing about True Vine Equestrian Center and Jonathan working and training out there, and our sometimes volunteering or supporting, and now Anna taking lessons, we have appreciated a peace that God has surrounded around that facility. As I left lessons with Anna just a few weeks ago, this was the sunset over the grape fields directly across the street. I appreciated the “look up and see the peace” then….and I appreciate it today.